i’ll never know

Almost a week since Lily’s Death and it’s been hard on me, so I’ve buried myself in films and the words of Others and alcohol in order to not drown on my own sadness, a collapsing star with nothing left.

The first couple days were filled with me crying every few hours. Just breaking down, fetally, holding myself because there’s no one else left. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this lonely. To live without her, to be without her.

I hear her every morning coming up the stairs but there’s no one there. And every night’s so empty without her here in my bed.

This house is a mausoleum of all the moments that meant all the world and more to me.

But I push on. Keep walking because what else is there? I can’t even bare my soul to others, tell them how much she means to me or I break down again, and all I have are the tears she used to keep away.

In other news, I need to find a date for New Year’s, which is kind of difficult, if only because I don’t actually know that many people anymore. So it goes.

Reading lots of books, breaking my own heart.

But there are still women and there’s still wine.

Beauty still exists, even if you no longer do.

i lost the best part of life

Lily Belle is dead. Even typing that, even knowing it is too much for me. I can’t stop shaking or crying. It hurts. Everything hurts but I can’t even name where it hurts, how it hurts. I feel like the dead. Lost. Miserable.

She’s dead and she will never be here with me again. I’ll never hold her again. I’ll never even see her again.

I’m destroyed, far past broken.

She’s not just a dog. She was forever more than that. She was my everything. My whole world. The center of my everything. She was my best friend, my oldest friend. She was there when I went to sleep and when I woke up. She was there through every bad moment, through every good one. She kept me alive. She pushed my heart, made it keep beating, made me breathe, gave me something worth breathing for.

When I talk about love I talk about Lily.

She kept me safe, kept me free from loneliness. She was there to comfort me, always. Through all of my darkest moments and days and months, she was there. She held me up.

And tonight she died. She vomited her life away.

I’ve been dreading this for years. She was fourteen.

I can’t even speak. All I can do is type.

All the words are dead and gone but I’m still here. Without her.

Goodnight, Starchild.

i have only the memories

december eyes

Current obsession, that. Been lazy, unupdated repository of all things ydde.

Started working out, which is both great and awful. I’ve a free personal trainer who makes me feel awesome and awful about myself at the same time. He’s huge, crazy buff, and can lift me weirdly easy. Also weird that he lifts me at all, probably. Thirty minute sessions. I couldn’t even finish the first one, and I can barely make it through a full one, anyway.

I’ve mostly just been lazy. Spending too much time inside my head, and when I’m not there I’m getting reckless with people, drinking and being stupid. Reading, watching movies, these are constants.

But no one to fall in love with. At least not this month. So few women in my life, I guess. Or maybe it’s because everyone has things to do but me. I never have anything to do. But there are so many things I should be doing.

Mostly I just sit with my dog. Sometimes I take pictures of her.

Christmas and New Year’s just round the corner. Making sausage on Wednesday. Buying gifts, spending all my money on stupid things. Mostly books. Always books. I’ve bought like thirty books in the short time I’ve been back. Some of them were really great. My nephew’s doing well, too. He’s the first infant I’ve held, which was kind of awesome and weird.

I’ve nothing really to say.