christmas makes me lonely

I can’t really explain it. I never have been able to, but christmas makes me lonely. I think it’s because family doesn’t mean the same thing to me as it does for most people.

My family is a stranger to me and itself. I don’t believe they know me and I don’t believe they’re interested in knowing me.

They’re good people and I like them, but it’s weird that we’re tied together this way.

Anyrate, sometimes I just want to listen to this song.

Life always gets worse and better. There was a blizzard tonight and it cut our celebration several hours short. I received mostly gift cards for restaurants to take Chelsea to. It’s weird to become a unit with a second person, or to have people in your family consider you as such.

I have an essay I wrote about loneliness earlier this year. Someday I’ll write my philosophy book. Maybe soon, even. When I get lonely I think about it a lot, I guess. Maybe because I think I’ll be able to explain the world and my life to myself and then to all of you. Fiction teaches me how to think about the world and how to relate to it, but writing philosophy is a different breed, and probably it’s silly to call it philosophy since my philosophy is almost an antiphilosophy.

Rambling. Snow. Everyone sleeps.

I’ll never leave this life and that scares me sometimes.

I don’t know what I fell into when I was born but it’s been beautiful and strange and heartbreaking almost every single day, and I’m glad I’m alive and will continue to be for at least a while more.

There’s always so much more to do.

Goodnight, Starchild.

I miss you.

2 thoughts on “christmas makes me lonely

  1. My family as a kid was the television. Barely functional human beings don’t give a shit about holidays or other human beings, even the small ones. Christmas was/is just another day where I’m reminded I have no mutual experiences to share with the people who populate this earth. I used to get really sad/depressed/lonely, now I just sort of laugh while stroking my beard and visualizing the different ways I can/will die. I also like to revisit old christmas episodes of sitcoms on christmas, because it’s a great way to feel completely alone/not alone. Here’s one of my favorites: http://youtu.be/wUBOZavdJMw

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  2. I’m so sorry you feel lonely. In some ways I get it – the best gifts are the ones that have thought in them, when you are surprised by how well someone else can know you. It’s weird to be a unit with you or get gift cards, but it’s done out of love too. Sometimes you just have to tell people what you want.

    I can’t wait to see you again.

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