why we die is none of your business

I love Robin Williams. Along with many others, I’ll miss him. He was a big part of my childhood and I truly loved his movies, from the insanely silly, to the tragic. He was just great, especially at his most chaotic or reserved.

But this post is only a little bit about him. Probably this will read very oddly to a lot of people. But this post is about dying. Mostly, it’s about suicide, which is something it seems like I’m always writing about. EvenĀ Noir: A Love Story is about suicide. It’s probably the best statement I can make on the matter, though I’ve made many other ones.

When people commit suicide, everyone wants to know why. Everyone feels they have the right to know why. They demand it to the point of harassment and abuse. Even those who come out on Robin Williams’ side seem to believe they are owed an explanation.

But you’re not.

There is no privilege in the Death of another.

When someone dies, especially when they kill themselves, it has nothing to do with you, especially if you’re a stranger to the person. Even if you’re a dear friend or family member, the suicide of another is not about you.

A lot of people call suicide cowardly or selfish, but I think this is a pretty ridiculous position to take. If it’s selfish, it assumes that their life belongs to you. For them to end it before you were ready becomes tragic and almost like an existential attack.

It’s not.

While the Death of another and the suicide of a family member or close friend is impossibly sad, it doesn’t belong to you. You get your grief, and probably you’ll share that with dozens or hundreds or millions, in the case of the Williams family. For the grieving, this is a tragedy, but for the dead, it may be an end to the tragedy.

The tragedy of existence. Of living in this world that never feels right, that never feels a part of you, that not only rejects you, but the life and dignity of everyone you’ve ever known, of everyone you’ve ever heard of.

I’m a melancholic sort. I’ve dreamt of Death almost my whole life. I suffer from depression sometimes so severe I can barely stand up or breathe, but my depression doesn’t come from within me. It comes from the world around me. This incredible weight, this dangerous mountain looming over me, taunting me.

It’s life that defeats me, that infects me with its disease that withers my insides and turns everything to rot.

I think suicide is valid. I think we’re allowed to exit life when we choose. It’s criminal, to me, that it’s a crime to kill yourself or that institutions can force you to keep on living.

Before I go too far down that road, I will say this: there absolutely should be assistance for those who need and want it. We obviously need better mental health outreach and education and facilities. But if I tell a psychologist or psychiatrist that I intend to kill myself, it shouldn’t be legal for them to detain me.

And there’s a lot that goes into this. I thin about South Korea and how suicide is out of control there, or how austerity has essentially forced a generation of old men and women to commit suicide in places like Italy, because they must now choose between the streets and slow starvation or a quick way out.

An escape.

Have you ever noticed that there are only two times we refer to escape as a negative?

Genre fiction and suicide.

Every other use of this word has a positive connotation. And let’s say that we are escaping life.

Why is that your business? Why is it the business of anyone besides the person escaping?

Our life is not our own. I firmly believe that. We belong to the people who we choose to share our lives with.

But that doesn’t mean that we control them or we have the right to their life and Death. They’re sharing their life with us.

They don’t need to share their Death with us too.

Maybe I’m just overly protective of Death because it feels very personal and close to me. I feel protective and outraged when people attack our right to die.

Suicide may be an end to tragedy. You may disagree with it and you may mourn–you’re allowed that. You’re allowed to wish and hope, and you’re allowed to share your feelings of regret.

That’s all fine and valid.

But so is a suicide’s right to hold itself private. We are allowed to die and you don’t deserve to know why.

And while the world will miss Robin Williams, he doesn’t owe you anything, especially in Death, especially after giving the world so much.

Let him have his peace.

4 thoughts on “why we die is none of your business

  1. Who ARE you and why haven’t I read your compelling thoughts before?? Your words ring familiar bells of sad confusion yet joyous relief that one is not alone in the dark. I too, have chronic clinical depression and dreamt of death and dying as long as memory serves. I write about it, that seems to quiet the demons, for I don’t want to die I just don’t want to live in pain. A dilemma! Yes, it’s no one’s business yet because the light is on them we’re fascinated with celebrity and the bodies which animate it. Mr. Williams and all others in pain have no debt to anyone and we’re allowed to feel our hurt, move through it, hopefully intact, but if not, it’s still painfully private. When people talk about us I believe it’s none of our business – we shouldn’t care, we should never listen and surely, never act on it. “Cathy is depressed again, what the hell is wrong with her??” I have to ignore it because I’m too busy nursing my exquisite pain. In that same vein, the choice someone makes – hardly cowardly, never spontaneously – is understood only by them. THANK YOU for sharing your thoughts, I’m off to read more…..


  2. Spot on, 100%. But I do believe you should try new things, might find a spark in life.. but if all these lead nowhere, they I reckon go ahead none of my business. Your right people like to “own”, when you realise you own no one not even your kids, you can come out of your shallow mind. Love your article.


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